Monday is winding down to a close and I've wanted to write this post for a few days.

I begin with a poem.

Time Machine (a working title)

Musical mechanisms are mysteries
Scales and dissonance are data
Machines slurp it in like gelatin
The whir and the needle are relics
The spin and crackle of vinyl
Isn't just music playing, for
A turnstile is a time machine now.

-----
I love songs that tell stories. I've had several of this type flitting through my (more cleared) head lately and I noticed they had something in common. The titles of the songs were women's names. Naming a song after a person means you've got a guaranteed story song (even if it's hidden in the background, written in the liner notes). Below is a list of some of my favorite women songs. Have a listen to a few. :)

Isabel by Unrest

Jolene (written and performed originally by Dolly Parton) by The White Stripes

Eleanore by The Turtles (My mom and my sister love this song and we sing it loud)

Katy Song by Red House Painters (so emotionally charged and sad, one of those "back story is the best part" songs)

Veronica by Elvis Costello

Valerie Loves Me by Material Issue

Selfish Jean by Travis (I think the video [unofficial] is hilarious. It's done by a comedian who has layer after layer of t-shirts with the lyrics written on them. He removes the layers with great timing, completely deadpan. It ends with one t-shirt remaining, thank goodness)

These are just a few, but I think immortalizing a person in a song is a grand thing.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

--by Emily Dickinson

I am constantly amazed by how the littlest efforts we make toward the betterment of our parenting abilities seem to reap great rewards. When I put my hand in the Savior's and let Him lead me by his example it feels like I am holding hands with hope. It shouldn't come as a surprise that He is so willing to offer aid to us in our most important responsibility (our children).

Harmony and cooperation definitely ebb and flow in our home and it felt like the tide had been out for far too long. I was ornery, dissatisfied and was feeling like my only choice in the governing of my children was to come down on them harder, coerce them into obedience. It really only takes a day or two of feeling like this to realize it's time to re-examine things and see what needs to be fixed.

I always get very frustrated about bedtime. When I close the doors to my children's rooms, I view it (too strongly) as a mark to the end of my parental responsibility for the day. I don't have to feed anyone, answer another question, break up another argument or remind anyone of a task uncompleted.

My children view their doors as boundaries which must be crossed.

You see the problem here...

Anyway, the other day, after a get back-to-bed-you-can't-have-any-milk moment with Bryce, I put myself in time out. In reflection, I realized that my parenting lacks one of the most prominent of Christ's attributes: compassion.

It hurt me to see how much the lack of compassion had built me into a type of dictatorish, imperial meanie. I repented. I asked for help in being compassionate. I began to read again Christlike Parenting by Dr. Glenn I Latham. It's amazing how easy a self-help book can be when you really need help. The thing that I read yesterday that really stuck with me was about keeping the home a place where the child feels safe. A place where they know they can bring their concerns up for discussion without worrying they are going to be reviled, or that their concerns will be minimized or shrugged off. If home is not safe, then they will go elsewhere.

Yesterday was a good day. Bryce was ready to put up a lot of fights with me. He was inclined to large fits. I didn't fight with him. I let him have his fit (which was probably longer because no one made him repress it), but then I was able to praise him for turning it around later and letting us have a fun time together. He brightened when I shared how I understood that it was frustrating to have to do something you don't want to, but I was happy to be with him. For me, the best part was that I had no apologizing to do, no bitterness toward my child, no guilt.

Yeah, I was frustrated, but it's only my first compassionate day. Yes, I am very worried that I won't be able to keep it up. Yes, I worry about my awful temper, but compassion, as a word, is striking me strongly and I think if I can hold onto that I'll be okay.

(one last thing, if you can bear with me...as a joke, I was telling the kids that Cam and I have super powers. I said Cameron's was super-compassion and that mine was my lightning quick anger. Dane said "Yeah, Mom, but haven't you noticed lately that you've been losing your super power?" Score!)

Yesterday was a good day

Hello.

I've been sick all week. Why does stuff like this happen? ie you begin a new goal, one that is really good for you and then it gets messed up? I'd been exercising. I was feeling more energy than I had in years and despite hate, hate, hating exercise I have LOVED that. Even my brain feels more alive!

Anyway, so despite hating exercise I got out there in the chilly cold before dawn and did it. I was just a few minutes under my when-I'm-not-sick goal so I was pleased with that.

I've gone back to writing poetry. I am so happy with it and have been quite prolific. (If you have a desire to check it out, click here) It feels like I have a piece of my soul back. In fact, I have entered three of my poems for the Segullah poetry contest. I haven't submitted writing for a contest since I was in Jr. High and was published in the good ole Spanish Fork Press, so this is a big deal for me personally.

I have been laughing a lot lately. Foolishly, I don't do this much. I take myself waaaay too seriously and my abdominal muscles suffer for it, as does my mental health. Thankfully, Cam and I are quite caught up in the sitcom Big Bang Theory. It's nerd heaven and I get all the jokes! We've been catching up on past seasons. Then the other night we watched Arsenic and Old Lace with Cary Grant and we were rolling. Hil-AR-ious!

I talked Cameron into doing the whole Harry Potter event at the District on Thursday. Oh yeah! (speaking of nerd heaven...) We'll be dressing up and doing all the fun stuff there is to do and we're doing it together. That's what's really awesome for me. Cam and I started reading Harry Potter books together (out loud and in British accents HA!) during the second year of our marriage. It's really been a fun thing to share.

My two favorite days of the week are Thursday and Sunday. The mix up of school schedules on Friday and lack of structure on Saturday really irritate me, but Thursday...Thursday is my least busy run-around day and it's just close enough to the end of the week to be blissfully appealing. (Anyone hear me on that?)

Sunday, I am happy to say, has become such a joy to me because of my calling. I love serving in the Primary and even to have people relying on my to do my job so that they can do theirs. Serving has brought me a lot of joy.

Babies seem to be everywhere! So happy about the arrival of sweet little Chloe (see below) and happy to hear about other friends that are expecting. There is a small tinge of baby-hunger, but honestly, when I look at what I have with my kids, I am so happy with them. I love the age that they are all at. I love seeing their progress, what they're learning, how the way they interact with me and each other changes. They are such a blessing and I am so pleased with them.

Oh yeah...a spent a few days as a blond this week. It's part of a very long, not-so-gripping drama of messing with my own hair color and having to bleach out the mistakes and so forth. Currently, I'm back to my normal light/medium brown and as content as a...whatever thing is truly content. Probably nothing getting a few gray hairs. I wouldn't be content in that state.

I'll have to ramble about the kiddies later, but here's an idea of where I am. Thanks for reading, if you got this far, or even if you just read the first stanza, er, paragraph...

I have this quote hanging in my front room and I belive in it.

"A man should hear a little music, read a little poetry, and see a fine picture every day of his life, in order that worldly cares may not obliterate the sense of the beautiful which God has implanted in the human soul.” -Goethe

So I totally agree with Natalie Merchant's idea of doing both the music and the poetry together!

In her album Leave Your Sleep, Natalie takes poetic works by the likes of Ogden Nash, Edward Lear, e e cummings, and Charles E. Carryl and sings them.
The problem? I do not like Natalie Merchant's voice or singing style.
If you do, here's a video from one of the nursery rhymes in the collection.

It's a pity really.

10,000 Maniacs had a great sound, but I couldn't get past Natalie's thick voice. Songs like "Candy (Everybody Wants)" and "Because the Night" have grown on me over time and "Wonder" from her first solo album is intriguing, but that's pretty much it for me. It's a pity, too, because she's just lovely and she has great teeth.

(As a closet Beyonce fan, I'd like to see something like this from her, but the person that would knock a collection out of the ballpark would be Lisa Gerrard formerly of Dead Can Dance who beautified and made accessible old things long forgetten. )

Anyway...if you've got a second, tell me what music you're listening to today, your favorite band when you were in high school or just the song you can't get out of your head.

I have been off the radar, my friends. I am sorry.

I have three very good friends and I have hardly seen them at all, what with my homebody tendencies and all the work that has been going on at my house for weeks and stresses with changes with Cameron's job, etc. I have not even been my usual anti-social self.

This is called Everybody is Busy by rt44man

I have been spending time with my kids.

I have been playing with yarn and material and actually making things.

I have been writing a lot. It's been on my mind everyday and I get off at least a paragraph or a snippet poem or often several pages in a day (hand-written as I currently don't trust my MS Office Word program).

This is definitely not my usual modus operandi here, but I'm going to put down a poem I wrote that I'm quite happy with.

Existence

I exist
In the creases of his grey pants
In the tiny half-moon clippings at rest in the blue garbage can

I exist
In the needle eyes staring everywhere
In the hung frames of faces from the familial sphere

I exist
In the smooth spots worn into a keyboard
In the rough skin of my barefoot self

I exist
In the forgotten light, the forgotten dishes
In the bubbling of yeast and the melting of chocolate

I exist
In the pages I have turned
In the words I have read and written

I exist
In flesh and blood memories
In the holy water of an eternal mind
---

(don't feel a need to comment just because I posted a poem)

Seems like I've been reading a lot of blog haiku lately and I'm adding my own now.

Driving in the car

The repetition of days

Kid education

Outside my window... The birds flutter endlessly. The green-filtered sun twinkles through blinds.

I am thinking...gardening, kisses and books.

I am thankful for... a working car with air conditioning.

From the kitchen...the to-do list is written all over the counters and sink.

I am wearing...the world's best uniform: jeans and a t-shirt.

I am creating... literary wonders and tangible tchotchkes, all in my head.

I am going... to be up all night and happy about it.

I am reading... On Writing.

I am hoping... Dane is feeling better by tomorrow.

I am hearing... Ah, nothing but those birds.

Around the house... there is work to be done and it's mine to do and on some odd level that makes me happy, too.

One of my favorite things... music.

A few plans for the rest of the week... to paraphrase Emily Dickinson...Late nights! Late nights! When not with thee, late nights will be my luxury! And then there's the Fourth of July!!! Yay!

While searching for my herp lamp (a lamp used to warm reptiles in captivity), I stumbled upon some papers I thought were long lost.

I was so thrilled to find 14 different poems I had written either with Ben or Alesha in tandem between 15-16 years ago. These are a big deal to me. Even the handwriting on the pages brings tender feelings to my heart. I feel like I've definitely found some treasure.

I would also like to say how much I really like Dr. Seuss. He has been a wonderful influence on reading and speech in our family and in my own young life. However, this page of Oh The Thinks You Can Think has been eerie and frightening to me my entire life. Can you believe I closed my eyes to this page as I read the book to Bryce the other night?

I mean, what would you do if you met a jibboo? I would run screaming in terror. Tell me, isn't this creepy?!

I got to laugh a lot this weekend. I'm terribly fond of laughing, especially when it's with my parents and brother Ryan.

I hope you had a great weekend and spent it with someone you love.

I can feel that I'm about to begin writing poetry again. I've been reading old stuff and posting (gasp!) that old stuff (old being 13 YEARS ago) on goodreads.com. Oh, I was so lost then, but so sure and confindent in being lost...but I digress.

Anyway, I've been reading some good ol' stuff that isn't mine as well and so I'm going to share:

Consolation by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

All are not taken; there are left behind
Living Beloveds, tender looks to bring
And make the daylight still a happy thing,
And tender voices, to make soft the wind:
But if it were not so--if I could find
No love in all the world for comforting,
Nor any path but hollowly did ring
Where 'dust to dust' the love from life disjoined,
And if, before those sepulchres unmoving
I stood alone, (as some forsaken lamb)
Goes bleating up the moors in weary dearth,)
Crying 'Where are ye, O my loved and loving?'
I know a Voice would sound, 'Daughter, I AM.
Can I suffice for HEAVEN and not for earth?'

&:SEVEN POEMS

III

Spring is like a perhaps hand

(which comes carefully

out of Nowhere)arranging

a window,into which people look (while

people stare

arranging and changing placing

carefully there a strange

thing and a known thing here)and

changing everything carefully

spring is like a perhaps

Hand in a window

(carefully to

and fro moving New and

Old things,while

people stare carefully

moving a perhaps

fraction of flower here placing

an inch of air there)and

without breaking anything.

--e.e. cummings from Tulips and Chimneys

I love e.e. cummings. I think he is a genius. He puts emotion and point and even double meaning into his poems through odd syntax and placement. Love it! Now when does Spring really start coming (carefully, of course)?!

I love poetry. That is no secret. It seems to be constantly floating through my mind. Lately, I've had Never Give All the Heart by William Butler Yeats (my favorite!) and it has to be the saddest love poem in the world (especially if you know the background):
Never give all the Heart
W.B. Yeats
Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that's lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.

Contrarily, I thought about what might be considered one of the happiest love poems and this came immediately to mind:

Jenny Kissed Me
by Leigh Hunt
Jenny kissed me when we met,
Jumping from the chair she sat in.
Time, you thief! who love to get
Sweets into your list, put that in.
Say I'm weary, say I'm sad;
Say that health and wealth have missed me;
Say I'm growing old, but add-
Jenny kissed me!